Why are people Mean?

Why you gotta be so mean?

This is a question that I often find myself asking of others and their intent to cause others emotional distress. Do people not realize that their words and their conversations do in fact have long lasting effects?  Are people so involved with making others look bad, and judging them; that they cannot see that they themselves are in fact so highly flawed and lacking important aspects of what it means to be a good person?  Do people not realize that their actions can cause great hardships?  Or do they even realize that what they do and say will eventually come back to them ten-fold?  I think the answer to those questions are all, "Nope, as long as people listen to me, then I can talk all I want to about how evil others are."

This is a sad stance/position to take, and really causes a great deal of frustration and heartache on many people.  So how do you deal with it?

The most effective response to meanness is compassion. Where there is meanness, there is often a lot of pain, both in the unkind person and for the person on the receiving end of a mean joke, comment, or email.

You also have to first and foremost remember that you control your response when someone does or says something mean. We may not be able to control much about our life circumstances, but with practice we can control how we respond to those circumstances.

 Take care of your own pain first.  It is important that we understand that we have to be healthy and happy with ourselves before we can be strong enough to tackle the problems of others; or even take care of others.  It is important to seek help to find solace within yourself first.


Before you attack back, let yourself feel what is going on. You can simply repeat to yourself, “Pain, pain, pain,” and breathe. Sometimes I have to say it out loud.
The key is not to deny what we are feeling, but rather to accept it. Take a moment to be mindful and narrate your emotions: This embarrassment is excruciating. I am so frightened right now. Hang in there with unpleasant feelings at least long enough to acknowledge them.

Often we don’t want to admit we are hurt by another person’s meanness; we want to let it go without letting it get to us. If you can do this, more power to you. But if you can’t, that’s okay, too. You will survive the discomfort of your hurt feelings. It is perfectly normal to feel bad when someone wounds you. Once you practice this sort of compassion within, we can move forward and: See mean people for what they really are—wounded and tiny and probably threatened. Frightened mice masquerading as roaring lions.

Finally, fight fire with water by sending loving thoughts to the people who hurt you. This is an advanced technique, but I can almost promise that it will make you feel better.  It is better to approach people with saying things like “May you be happy. May you be healthy and strong. May you be free from suffering” while imagining the person who tried to hurt me.

When we send well-wishes to the hurting people who want us to share their pain, we are able to rise above their suffering. We regain our true power.  After all, it is only when mean people actually are happy and free from suffering that they will stop trying to take us down with them.

Remember we can control very few things in life, but what we can control is something more powerful than we think.  We control the ability to help the world change, and to not allow people to gain control over us with their malicious intentions.